This one is for you

 I still have our conversation, since the beginning, saved on a file in my PC, but never got to re-read it.

Today I did.

Autora da ilustra: Noemi Yumi

And felt all emotions running through me, rushing my blood, and accelerating my heart. I felt warm as if I was in your arms, I felt connected as if we were on your backyard, looking at the stars, despite the thousands of miles that apart us from each other.

I still dream of the day we’ll meet, and finally have a chance to walk on Berlin, or London, or anywhere on this whole world. I remember our bucket list, our plans of when we get together, all the philosophical chats and those many hours we could talk about our daily life just like every day could bring so many things to say and see.

There’s so much I wanna say. There is so many things I wanted to do. But life got to make its own decisions on the way.

You had many dreams by that time! And looking now that you reached many of them makes me very happy. At that time, when our conversation started during 2, 3 hours, I was wanting to leave behind all I had just to be with you. This made me think on many things, but particularly that I could interfere negatively to your life in the sequence of it. I could be a barrier between you and your dreams. I could make you not have those amazing moments you had on the exchange to another country, or all the great experiences the university brought you.

So I decided to walk away, little by little. Letting you go, spreading your wings and flying as high as I always knew you could. Just like our parents do when we are learning how to ride a bicycle, until we start riding it on our own. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in life, but now I realize it was the right thing to do, because you are incredibly happy and well stablished in all sections of your life.

You got to go to the places you wanted, you finished studies, you found love. Each and every milestone you conquered had me on my feet, applauding and cheering for you.

I just want to say that I still love you, and always will. I’ll forever be cheering for you, wanting all the best things to happen for you, wishing on my prayers that you may get all the things you need to live the experiences you’ll face in future, the good and bad ones, and that you get the strength and willpower to surpass all the walls and difficulties that life may present you on the way. And, as you once told me, “remember of your strength and don’t let life put you down”.

Sorry for taking this long to open this all up for you, but now seems like the right time. Sorry for taking the decision to walk away in a selfish manner.

Thank you SO MUCH for being part of my life. Without you, I would never be the person I am today.

Happy life for us!

Just like Edith Piaf

(Click here and let the song lead your reading!)

 

(Non, rien de rien…)

It’s been so long since I started this road. So many places I’ve seen, so many people I’ve met, so many miles I’ve walked to finally get here.

Quite a journey, I may say. Those times when I was young, not knowing what to study, where to live, who would be those to help with the costs and decisions; the year abroad that got me a whole new point of view about life and enhanced my personality, giving me the wings I needed to keep chasing all I wanted.

(Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait, ni le mal, Tout ça m'est bien égal!)

After that, so many crazy things happened, just like when I found myself all alone, almost exploding from inside-out, like a volcano. Now I see... Those hard times made me as strong as I could get. Friends that I don’t get in touch anymore also had their role in my story, and I feel like they made their part and then went away to build their own path. I won’t forget the bad decisions, struggles, the tears pouring down my face, insecurities, and loneliness. It all made me who I am today. And if I could go back on time, I would do the same all over again!

(Car ma vie, car mes joies, Aujourd'hui... Ça commence avec toi!)

And right when I wasn’t looking for love, I found it. Someone to share the journey and look at the beauty of the minor details in life and nature. Now I can only be thankful for finding it exactly when I needed the boost to keep going with my dreams, with my personal goals. Together, we reached each and every one of them.

There still a long way to go, but now, I can count on somebody else to help me out. And last, but not least…

… I am certain I can count on myself.

 

(… Non, je ne regrette de rien.)

 

I'm starting to find what I'm looking for

 
(dá um play antes de ler)

O caminho é tortuoso, mas começo a enxergar as minhas pegadas. A achar o caminho de volta!

Finalmente, estarei próximo ao céu estrelado, às gramas curtas e macias, ao barulho do mar e do calor da fogueira que canta ao som dos galhos estalando a cada vento que atiça a brasa.

Livre, enfim! Volto a me sentir leve, de bem comigo, com meu próprio universo a conspirar a favor de mim.

Passo a passo, metro a metro vou chegando cada vez mais perto de mim mesmo. Daquilo que eu admirava em mim. Daquilo que fazia meus olhos brilharem. É como se estivesse caminhando de volta à vida. E para longe dos dias que de tão longos pareceram séculos.

Dias de lágrimas, de dores, de sanidade contestada. Dias em que me perdi completamente em medos que nem sabia que tinha. Dias em que tudo em volta era cinza, sujo, seco e raso.

Dias que estão ficando para trás. Passo a passo. Passado.

Já consigo ver daqui as luzes da cidade e ouvir o riso das pessoas.

Sem perder mais tempo, rompo os limites entre o que era e o que agora sou.

Sorriso no rosto e vida pela frente. Que venha o que tiver de vir!

(é exatamente aqui que considero meu marco zero. Bem-vindo de volta, de novo.)

 

Ass: Alêénóis

Por fim, o (re)começo.

Cambaleando pelas ruas cinzas, ouvindo o vento uivar, Ana conseguia distinguir as gotas geladas do choro do céu juntando-se às lagrimas quentes e salgadas que pululavam de seus olhos claros, inundados em arrependimentos e angústias. 

- Como pude deixar isso acontecer? Quando foi que eu me perdi de mim mesma? Quando foi que me perdi de...

Os soluços pareciam competir com sua voz trêmula e a venciam a cada fim de frase. Cada passo promovia um tropeço nas tantas palavras jogadas ao chão, enquanto outras retornavam com o vento, num eco constante de lamúria e decepção.

Mas ela continuava caminhando.

Continuava tentando vencer a interminável luta contra seus sentimentos, contra seus instintos. Ela queria só voltar a ter a vida de sempre. a ter vida. Já não sabia por quanto mais tempo sustentaria o peso de sua consciência sem que sua sanidade ficasse no caminho. Por isso se esforçava, lutava, rugia, chorava.

Por fim, caía.

Mas Ana, porém, queria a todo custo levantar-se de novo, mesmo sem segurança, mesmo sem garantia de que a próxima queda seria a última. Queria tentar novamente, ainda que só mais uma vez. Queria provar ser dona de si mesma; provar que conseguia, sim, vencer seus tantos eus que guerreavam entre si. Pôs-se, então, de pé, e buscando ordenar os pensamentos, deu o primeiro passo para fora da névoa tempestuosa de seu estado emocional. 

A chuva parava aos poucos de cair. Suas lágrimas, por fim, secavam.

- Deixe como está. Preciso seguir. 

Mochila de volta às costas, passado para trás. Próxima parada, o nascer do Sol. Seja lá onde isso for.